Ahab’s Facebook: A Humorous Re-Telling of 1 Kings 21

Leighton, Frederic - Jezabel and Ahab - c.1863
Leighton, Frederic – Jezabel and Ahab – c.1863 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ahab seems to be ever vexed or sullen in 1 Kings 21, especially as I read about his manipulation with Naboth’s vineyard. If Ahab had a Facebook, what would he write about?

Ahab Facebook Status: Idiot next door won’t give me his vineyard. It’s mine. Not his, but he dares to say that the Lord forbid him to give me his father’s inheritance. I’m spending time at home watching reruns of the Mentalist. I am king. He’s the peasant! I said I would give him fair exchange.

Jezebel’s Facebook Status: Husband won’t eat. He’s a pain to deal with when in this mood. So I am going to take care of it so I can go back to watching the Bad Girl’s Club. I should declare eminent domain, but I think I’ll kill Naboth instead. After assuring him of my intentions to take care of it, he’s back to eating and watching the Yankees play.

Jezebel’s Tweet: I need two worthless men for something underhanded. You’ll be paid handsomely. PM me.

Naboth’s Facebook Status: Ahab proclaimed a fast. I am to be honored at the head of the table.

Later, Ahab’s Facebook Status reads, “Naboth stoned (and not THAT kind of stoned). He’s dead. My wife is a genius. I can watch my Yankee’s baseball games in the new vineyard. PARTY! WHO IS COMING OVER TODAY? BUFFALO WINGS ALL AROUND!”

Ahab Facebook Status much later: “Elijah is a party pooper. He just said the most unkind and politically incorrect thing to me today. He said my dear wife, Jezebel will be eaten by dogs and that the Lord will bring disaster upon me. Naboth was just a peasant—an ungrateful peasant at that! Press ‘Like’ if you agree.”

Ahab Facebook Status much, much later: “fear of the Lord has come upon me. I am spending time fasting. I am such a jerk.”