An Inexpensive and Humble Way to Say I Love You

Since last April, I have kept a journal–a collection of love letters written to my husband. The economy is bad and we can’t afford much. Everything we do is because we planned for and spent cash for it. It’s not easy. Even our first anniversary was celebrated humbly.

So today I gave him my heart in tissue paper, bound in a journal for his birthday.

It marks several months of moments I don’t want to forget that link our hearts together. In the business of the everyday we could forget and allow the trivial moments to get in the way. In the pain of trials, we shove aside the laughter to make room for the tears and frustrations. At the end of the day, we come together, still as much in love as we were when we first met, and dedicated to the Lord as we were when we became baptized together.

The journal marks texts sent to each other, conversations we had in the dark and quiet nights, and thoughts I want him to remember if I should go Home before he does so he isn’t alone. In any economy, its better than any gift money can buy.

There Are a Lot of Reasons to Give Up, but There Are Greater Reasons to Finish Strong

By Sheri Rose Shepherd

When you have dedicated your life to loving, encouraging, praying for, and pouring yourself into your husband, only to watch him, in a moment of weakness, destroy the foundation you worked so hard to build, you may feel as if your entire world has been wiped out. If this describes you, I invite you to read a real-life love story that I believe will give you the passion you may need to persevere under any and every trial. It will also give you a true picture of what love looks like when lived out with a legacy perspective. I call this story “The Grand Finale.”

John and Marie were college sweethearts who dreamed of furthering God’s Kingdom together. During the first decade of their ministry, God blessed them with a growing church, two beautiful children, and a strong and loving marriage. Because of their commitment to God and each other, they became one of the most respected couples in the community. Their marriage was a beacon of hope to other young couples who wondered what marriage could be. John loved the ministry, and he loved the life God had given him. He was passionate about the call of God on his life, and he truly loved his wife.

One day as John was busy working at the church, a young lady burst through the door of the church office. She was crying hysterically, and John came out of his office to see what he might do to help. As she struggled to catch her breath, she told John about her desperate attempts to escape from her abusive husband. She was sure he would kill her if he found her, but she didn’t feel safe going to the police because they had failed to help her in the past. John quickly called Marie and asked her to take the young lady to a safe place. After Marie helped this distraught young mom gather her kids and some clothes, she brought them home to spend the night with her and John.

In a matter of days, Marie and John’s love for this young woman led her to become a Christian. After spending a few weeks in their home, she seemed like a new person. She was hungry for God and at peace. John and Marie felt great, knowing they had made such an impact on this young woman and her kids.

When this woman and her children were still staying in John and Marie’s home several weeks later, many of his good friends and family approached John and recommended that the woman find housing with another single mom. He was blinded, saying, “Marie is really helping her. I can’t ask her to leave now; she may fall away from the Lord.”

John’s good intentions without wisdom and his unwillingness to heed the warnings of others left him unguarded against the enemy’s attack. One night when Marie was out leading a Bible study, John was home alone with this woman. She had fallen for Marie’s husband and was determined to have him for herself. Tragically, Marie walked into her home to find John and the young woman in their bed together. Everything John and Marie had built was destroyed.

Unable to handle his guilt, John felt like such a failure that he left his marriage, his children, and his church to marry this young, attractive woman. Two years into his new marriage, however, he was diagnosed with acute leukemia and given only ten weeks to live. His second wife, who was still in her early twenties, decided she did not want to take care of a dying man. After emptying his bank account, she left him alone to die. He had no family and no loving church body to rally around him. In fact, he had nothing to show for his years of hard work and dedication to ministry.

As tragic as this story is, the ending is proof of God’s amazing grace. Marie decided that when John died, he should be free of guilt and shame. She went to his bedside, not gloating with condemnation, but offering to care for and forgive him. Her kids seemed almost angry at her for loving her ex-husband after all he had done. Her friends from church asked her why she was helping him. However, Marie wanted her children and church to remember, not how John had left them, but how she took care of him, never leaving his bedside until he drew his last breath.

On the day John died, his children and members from his church gathered around his bedside with Marie. They held hands and shared memories of how John had touched others’ lives when he was walking with God. Marie got a greater gift. By her sacrifice, she began the healing in her own heart and in her children’s hearts. Today they can all live free of regret and anger because they said a final good-bye to their father in a setting of God’s glorious love.

Marie finished strong in spite of the devastation, and she gave John and their kids an amazing final gift: she gave him her forgiveness and the opportunity to finish what he had started, even if it had to take place on his deathbed after their marriage had ended.

If you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you. (1 Peter 4:19)

For more teaching from the Your Heart’s Desire book and Bible study, visit www.biblelifecoaching.com.

Guest Post: Desiring A “Happily Ever After”

Fighting the Temptation to Give Up on Love and Marriage

By Sheri Rose Shepherd

Bestselling Author and Bible Life Coach

I don’t know where you stand today with the man you love or loved—or if you are single, divorced, separated, or widowed. I can tell you, though, that if you’ve been hurt, you can be sure Your heavenly Father knows how hard it is to love and forgive the one who caused you pain. Yet regardless of the relational devastation you face, no one can keep you from finishing strong for God’s glory!

I was raised in a non-Christian home. My parents have each been married and divorced to three different people. As part of several blended families, all I understood about marriage when I was growing up was “unhappily ever after.” But then I became a Christian at twenty-four and married my husband, Steve, just a few years later. Because of my love for God and my husband, I honestly didn’t think anything could shake my own marriage or faith.

In the summer of 2007, however, my happily ever after was wiped out and my faith was tested. The family foundation I had worked so hard to build and protect was almost destroyed, along with my ministry, in that season of my life. I truly believed that God had forsaken me.

I had just finished writing my book for mothers about raising sons to become godly husbands. As I excitedly ran upstairs to e-mail the manuscript to the publisher, I suddenly felt as if something dark hovered over me. My passion for the book’s message was drowned out by the fear of an attack from the enemy that could come against me and my family if I stepped on his territory . . . young men and their future marriages.

I called the publisher and said I’d need to wait and pray for courage before submitting the manuscript. I went to my son, Jake, who was eighteen years old and a senior in high school at the time, and asked him if he had any plans of rebelling against his faith once he graduated from high school. I told him I was willing to give him freedom to find his own faith in Christ, but I didn’t want to put out a book about raising boys if my own son was going to walk away from the Lord. He reassured me that he was strong in his faith and that he felt I should publish the book. I decided to take the chance to make a difference and sent in the manuscript.

The book began climbing the charts, and everything seemed to be going well. I even began speaking with my son at conferences for mothers of boys. Then three months into my book tour, my fear of attack hit. My husband had taken a job that we had both prayed for. This job appeared to be a blessing; however, his new position required him to violate some of the boundaries we had put in place to protect our marriage, and we ended up separated.

There I was in the public eye of ministry, fighting to save future marriages, and somehow my own marriage was falling apart. My son was devastated by the division between me and his dad. It was too hard for him to deal with all his confusion, pain, and anger, so he took a break from his faith and began using drugs and alcohol to comfort himself. I had always known to run to God for cover when there was a great attack, but now I felt like He had left me alone on the battlefield to fight for myself. It appeared that all I had believed about God and all my effort to build a strong foundation for my own family had been shattered. My pain, my shame, and my life were an embarrassment. I felt as if I were battling an out-of-control fire that would burn up everything I loved and lived for. Every night I would cry myself to sleep as I struggled to understand why God had not protected me while I was attempting to accomplish something for His glory.

One night I could not take it anymore, so I fell to my knees and told God I either wanted Him to fix my family or I wanted to quit the ministry. Then I felt the Lord asking me a bigger question: Was My life, given on a cross for you, not enough for you to finish strong even if it means surrendering the life you wanted? For the first time I realized that my heart’s true desire was to feel loved and secure, and yet no man on earth could love me the way my Lord does. In that moment of crisis I found the true meaning of following Christ. God had not forsaken me, but He did want to free me from depending on others to give me my happily ever after.

That night I gave my heart’s deepest desire to God and chose to follow Him at any cost. In exchange, He gave me something so much better; He gave me peace that was more powerful than my circumstances. My faith was no longer in people; it was in Christ alone. Although nothing outwardly had changed yet, I had been changed. Today, Steve and I have celebrated twenty-five years of marriage, and our son serves God with His whole heart. He and his bride have given us our first grandbaby girl. However, to be honest, restoring our marriage was excruciatingly painful and more difficult than either of us expected. As hard as this trial was, it taught me a valuable lesson: our Lord is the God of comfort and the author of a new beginning. He can and will rebuild a beautiful life out of any broken heart willing to make a change. He will use one sacrificial choice; one act of forgiveness; one sincere, repentant heart; and one woman who is willing to step out in faith and start rebuilding with His love for His glory.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:1-2)

For more teaching from the Your Heart’s Desire book and Bible study, visit www.biblelifecoaching.com.

When I Yelled at You… #faithjam

This is an open letter to a friend. I helped her get a job, find an apartment, and because I didn’t agree with her choices, one day years ago lost my temper. I never got a chance after ending the friendship to truly say I am sorry. So this is an open letter in the hopes that she’ll read this; or maybe you’ll read this having undergone a similar situation.

Dear ____,

You were dating someone whose mother thought you weren’t good enough to marry her son until you learned to be a proper housewife—one that knows how to cook adequately. Her son still lived at home and when he declared his intention to marry you, you also moved under the same roof and his mother taught you how to be a good wife. I was aghast that anyone would treat you that way. I was determined to “save” you. But my life was a rocky reef where ships wrecked.

I was barely twenty-one. You were in love with some rock star celebrity who had an Australian accent and you loved the Beatles. Your boyfriend loved those things, too.

I was determined to fix your life. You went along with me. I helped you get a job where I worked and you nearly got me in trouble with my supervisors. Then, I helped you get an apartment and you were excited to have your own place. That was until others convinced you otherwise and after putting down the deposit, you waited too long to change your mind. You couldn’t get that money back because the deadline had passed. After all that work, that made me angry.

I stopped hanging out with you. One day you called and we got together to play billiards. You asked me what was wrong in the parking lot. I lost my temper. You went home in tears. I went home angry, then felt bad because I shouldn’t have lost my temper with you.

Life at twenty-one was turmoil. Rarely do I lose my temper, but I lost it that day with you. Instead of letting go of my control tendencies, I chose to allow it the upper hand and it crushed our friendship. I hurt you that day and I have never forgotten the lesson in it.

I have learned to keep that temper under control. Even now, when I want to lose my temper, I think of so many things, including that day. It’s not the kind of person I want to become as I grow older. There’s been too much anger in my past and observed of others in my life that I purposely remember those examples so I can be a better person. Time will tell if I succeed, but for now, I hope you will accept my apology.

I was wrong to yell at you.

Thank you for your friendship all those years ago. I may have said I knew Jesus to you, even got mad at you for using His name in vain, but I wasn’t saved. I wouldn’t truly understand who Jesus was until the year 2002. I misrepresented Him to you. It is my hope that you have come to know the real Jesus—the one in the Bible. If you did, then I am happy. I hope this letter finds you happily married to a good man who will take care of you; or at least, content in your life. We should both be close to the same age right now.

Love,

Nikki

Mornings Before Work

The bathroom light cuts into the dark room across our bed and right into my eyes. I turn beneath the covers and curl into a ball, face averted from the light. The water in the bathroom sink runs. The toilet flushes. The light in the closet flicks on and I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping for a few more minutes of sleep.

My husband soon nudges me with his hand and he kisses me, then walks into the other room. I hear the clink of a spoon against a mug, the opening and closing of the refrigerator, then Fox News comes on the television. I roll out of bed and look at the time.

4:30 a.m.

This is the way it’s been for the past nearly ten years. I rise in the morning to have coffee with my husband. I watch the seasons outside my picture window from the light blue-gray in the east of late summer to the blackness of winter’s late rising. The quiet moments we share over coffee before he leaves for work are precious to me. Moments like those have been precious to me since 9/11 when the airplanes rammed into the towers. There were people who didn’t have coffee with their spouses that morning who perhaps didn’t kiss their spouses goodbye. So when I married I wanted to make sure my husband knew he was loved every morning. The words are every bit as important as the action.

Sometimes, we talk and other times we stare across the tops of our mugs in a sleepy, catatonic state, waiting for the caffeine to jump start our senses. Then, we hug and kiss, the dog jumps on us, whines and barks, and after the screen door is closed, my hand presses against the screen where his hand rests before he goes to work. A reluctant goodbye, a shared touch. When I turn back towards the living room, it is empty, but not forlorn.

I live in a house of love and laughter.

Describe your perfect morning with your spouse.

Book Review: Fake Christianity

Fake Christianity by C.B. Matthews had one good thing going for it—the title. Immediately, it caught my eye. That was until I read this:

“That is why, when I look at the American church today and the majority of people who call themselves Christians, I feel nauseated. It is sickening, the lies that are being followed and swallowed in the church today.” (location 188, Kindle version)

Rage describes the book’s mood from the first page. The book sounds angry and wounded. Even though I agree with the general idea that some churches tolerate, even condone sin, the book offended me. The writing is disorganized where he begins theologically and suddenly diverts to childhood. The use of cliches and words like “hot” when describing women (“It was to see if the booze was free-flowing and the girls were hot.”) sounded unprofessional. There are so many grammar errors it was distracting.

The book’s generalizations demonize all churches in America without being specific. It’s a commentary without proof. It’s a rant in seven very long chapters for a short book. Fake Christianity condemns in Chapter 7 preachers and teachers who try to be relevant, saying they, “couldn’t care less about what God wants them to talk about.” My first thought was, “How would the author know what God is telling them?” There are frequent dramas in the book, too. When I got to location 247-250 and read:

“More people than I care to remember have gotten very mad when I’ve pointed out that God is not happy with sinners who are stuck in their sins and that He might actually be ready to punish or discipline them. One married couple took turns accosting me, and the wife kept asking me in an emotional, angry voice, “What about God’s love?…”…They proceeded to berate me for having the nerve to focus on anything but the positives with Christians, because that is what we need to hear more of these days.”

My first reaction was: What’s the other side of the story? So far the book fails to reflect any humility. There are other similar examples of the author getting into trouble and being confrontational. I noted with interest how his wife said in one scene that he wouldn’t have liked coming to a Bible Study because of what someone taught.

The writing comes off angry, confrontational, and hotheaded. The word you is used too much, and I felt at times a finger digging into my chest with a face in my face telling me all about my sins while the book ignored its own.

I am 52% done with this book and I have regretted turning the first page. The book needs several rounds with a critique group, some humility, and more teaching, less finger jabbing. People respond well to someone who encourages them to turn from sin and helps them out of their pit with truth mixed in love and prayer. A baseball bat pounding lecture is what they will get here.

I gave this book one star. It offended me with poor teaching methods that at 52% I couldn’t finish it. I skimmed to the end to see if the mood or teachings got better. The only redeeming story in the book is the author’s own testimony. There are some wisdom in the book, but you have to muck through the bad stuff to get to them.

*review updated 1/13/2013

When Your Spouse is Tired or Discouraged…

On his first work night, my husband has a hard time staying asleep. One night after twenty minutes, my husband was awakened by the cat. He got no sleep. That next day at work, he hit a wall. His feet dragged. His eyelids drooped. Discouragement can steal into those moments and magnify everything.

So when he came home, this is what he saw when he opened the refrigerator:

Sometimes, you have to find unique ways to bring cheer in these hard times.

What do you do to cheer up your spouse or to bring joy unexpected in these hard times?

60 Things We Say That We Don’t Mean

“Have you ever noticed that we say an awful lot of things that we don’t mean? We think it’s harmless but after a while you begin to talk yourself into acting out the things you say but you really don’t mean. You say them because you’re tired, upset, or angry. What you say is really important because it exposes the content of your heart. Here are ten things I hear people say all the time that I know they really don’t mean. And since we don’t mean them, we need to drop them from our vocabulary.” – David Foster (read more here)

mean pea (Photo credit: pinprick)

On the radio the other day, the DJ said that we say 60 things a day we don’t mean. I wondered how many of us would admit to it? On Facebook, I posted this and asked the question, “What do you say that you don’t mean?”

At first, people skirted the issue. They wanted to hear my answer first. Rather than give them my answer, I gave them a hint. We’re such a polite society that to not offend anyone means more to us than telling the truth. We also think no one is interested in our answer to questions like, “How are you?”

So we say, “we’re fine,” when we’re a wreck. Our car was wrapped around a telephone pole, but we’re okay. We’re too busy being fine instead of leaning on our church family. Another common, meaningless statement is the offer of help when we don’t really want to help someone; or when you ask someone to volunteer and they say maybe, when they mean no.

The radio DJ gave his listeners food for thought; to the Christian like me, a strange kind of disquiet, like, “Oh, yeah, I do that, too.” When I urged my Facebook friends to be brave and courageous and admit it, I was very interested in seeing the responses.

How many would dig a little deeper, review their past conversations, or allow God to use such a simple statement to unpeel another onion skin from their soul?

What do you say that you don’t mean?

Breaking the Addiction: 40 Days without Facebook

How One Couple Grew Closer to God and Each Other

Laurel Murray and Aaron Polli are getting married in December. Earlier this year, they chose to practice a kind of lent by abstaining from Facebook for forty days. After making the announcement on their statuses, Aaron and Laurel disappeared swallowed by the proverbial black hole.

My first reaction to their lent caused me to cringe—No Facebook for forty days? Are they crazy? My second reaction was almost envy.

In that time, we wondered what they were doing, what service they were attending, and waited for them to come back online. Instead, their Facebook accounts have been stagnant. When I reconnected with them at church, they told me how not having Facebook has strengthened their relationship with each other and God.

So I pulled them out of their proverbial black hole for an interview:

NH: What made you decide to abstain from Facebook?

LM: A friend of mine on Facebook was doing 40 days without Facebook, and inspired me to try it as well.  She had stated that she needed to focus on things going on in her life and Facebook was distracting her from that. This rang true with me as well.

AP:  I was in the process of cutting down from Facebook, and Laurel had suggested taking a forty day fast.  We agreed we should focus that energy and attention on our real lives.

NH: Did Facebook become an addiction? How did it begin?

AP:  Yes.  From the start the little apps and other people’s pictures caused me to stay on longer.  Pretty soon I was talking about it at work, and I began to look forward to going on after work.  The addiction came with snooping on other people’s profiles, commenting on posts, and finding the events that other people had going on.

LM: Yes. It began when I moved back to Arizona from Pennsylvania. I was in a long distance relationship with Aaron, and I felt like it was the only way to get in contact with him, or to know what he was doing. I ended up being on there all the time talking with other people, and creating a virtual social life.

NH: You mentioned to me in our conversation that Facebook caused arguments between the two of you. What kind of arguments and how were they resolved?

AP and LM: Aaron snooped on women’s profiles. This was later resolved by Aaron agreeing to not look at any of the opposite sex profiles. Aaron showed no interest in what Laurel said on Facebook and did not respond to things Laurel said to him via wall posts. When confronted by this, Aaron began complimenting and reassuring Laurel.

Laurel was on Facebook when she could have been spending time with Aaron and her little girl, Sadira. Aaron disagreed with things Laurel would post on her status. Aaron obsessed about proving a point to a female friend and he was always checking her profile.

The second was resolved by Aaron and Laurel giving up Facebook and focusing on their life together. The third was resolved by Aaron and Laurel both responding to the others’ posts and creating multiple running conversations on Facebook. The fourth was resolved by Aaron admitting he was obsessing, by ceasing to look at that friend’s profile or responding to any of her posts.

NH: During the 40 days describe, the first week. What kind of struggles did you both endure? What improvements did you see in your life?

LM: I felt awkward.  I kept having the urge to go on Facebook to fill my “empty time.” I had to endure making myself available and connected which made me feel exposed and vulnerable. The improvements I saw were more time with my family, and less focused on what was going on with Facebook. I had more real life interaction.

AP:  I was relieved that Laurel and I had made up our mind to get off, but not without temptation. Being alone with the computer put me in temptation as it felt natural to just go on Facebook and spend half an hour putzing around.  The conveniences and design of Facebook stayed with me, almost overshadowing my experience with the entire internet. The improvements were immediate in that there was more emotion, more quality to our time, and a great relief in that my time mattered to someone else.

NH: What did you do instead of Facebook during those 40 days?

AP and LM: We talked and read the bible, played games with Sadira, enjoyed company and truly rich, attentive and fulfilling conversation. We danced and made dinners together, argued less about things on Facebook and spoke more about our miscommunications.

NH: What kind of feelings did you feel the first week without Facebook?

AP and LM: Strange. Empty. Used.  Guilty.

NH: Describe your best memory during that time.

AP and LM: We were cooking dinner and listening to our recently purchased Florence and the Machine album.  We were all dancing and expressing ourselves with laughter while we enjoyed our family’s company and the smell of a cooking dinner.

NH: During those 40 days, how did it bring you closer to God?

LM: I spent more time opening the scripture and reading, instead of reading it on Facebook. It was an active hands-on experience, rather than having it given to me on Facebook. Also, I was able to have a personal relationship with God by hearing more of His voice and talking with Him.

AP:  It allowed me time to actively seek God’s Word in the scriptures, and to put more earnest trust and hope in the living relationship I had with God daily with more willingness.  Removing a social multimedia medium allowed me to be sensitive to His Voice and His Presence rather than seeking self-fulfilling pockets of pleasure and vanity. I felt closer and wanted to be even closer to Him.

NH: Why haven’t you been back on Facebook since it’s been over 40 days now?

AP: Facebook had become an addiction and an antagonist of real life situations, detracting from the true and real value of everyday, common, normal, God given, natural life and interaction of, with, and for life. I will not enable or continue in such an abuse or profanity of life through Facebook and the privacy it robs, intimacy it mocks, popularity it suggests or any of the lies, manipulations and vanity it alleges through its use.

NH: As parents, what kind of impression do you think your actions made on your child?

LM and AP: It showed the importance of having a relationship with God and having relationships with people in real life.

_____________

Facebook shouldn’t be in lieu of real life relationships, and it can be a positive experience. Without Facebook, I would not have been able to participate virtually in my family’s life (they live several states away). Social networking can be a way to connect, but like any other tool, how it’s used and the time a person spends with it should be managed.

A tool’s use is determined by the person handling it; you can’t blame a saw for slicing into your leg. As Christians, we can choose to use this tool to shine Jesus’ light and build relationships, or misuse it by posting statuses or doing activities that reflect poorly upon our worldview. Laurel and Aaron made a wise choice for their situation, and in the end salvaged their relationship, understanding we were meant primarily to connect in real time.

When Husbands Turn Ten

It’s baseball season. When I married my husband over nine years ago, he liked baseball, but he wasn’t obsessed with it. Now it’s a certifiable obsession. My husband has the game on the television all the time and he wears his baseball glove while watching the game. Our guest bedroom has become a shrine dedicated to the baseball god. My husband sits in the living room tossing the baseball up into the air and catching it with his glove. My husband turns ten years old when the Diamondbacks or Cubs play.

This was our conversation the other night:

Him: “Let’s play catch!” (mind you, it’s dark and we are in the house)

Me: “Do you remember the last time we played catch in the house?”

Him: (face loses smile) “Oh, yeah.”

Me: “I nailed the lamp.”

The Diamondbacks won’t sign me up as their star pitcher; maybe the Cubs will offer a contract? I was aiming at my husband. The sock-ball zinged over the breakfast bar and punctured the lampshade. Breakfast bars are great places to throw things over, but it’s important to make sure that all breakables are put away.

What do you or your husband do when one of you turns ten?